What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 05:49
She married twice! .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But it wasn’t much.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I don,t even have a pension.
I will be 64.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was scared of men, in general
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
This is soul school!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Did you become a cuckold for your wife?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Have you ever forcibly sucked someone’s dick?
When she asked me how she looked .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We all went to grammer schools
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It was going to be , some day.
I have no regrets .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
All the time i was locked up.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Would this be the day?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
What did i know ?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She found it foreign!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So, i spoilt her more .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Put me off passion for life!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot live in the past .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But, we were locked up after school.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Ive learnt so much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I waited trembling.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I write beautiful poetry .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She was in good health!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Who then, do I blame.?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
But ive been too sick for many years..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was seconnd youngest,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My family never makes their pension either.
Comes on , in middle age.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i lived it daily.
She loved him until the end.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She wouldn,t have been !
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im still living with it.
I was 9 years of age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was very sick at this time too.
He knew the spot.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So whats the point in blame.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I said to her
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.